Day 73

You seem so remote to me, right now, in this moment. So very alien.

Day 72

I have these fleeting moments when you seem beautiful, pure, devoted. I have these fleeting moments when, in my mind’s eye, you do not seem like yourself, but instead, a fantasy, that fantastic figure I created and fell to love. Like a fallen angel, who gives up her wings and all their enchantment, I fell so very fast and hard for you, a bad medicine, a dark fantasy. I have these fleeting moments, but that’s all they are ~ fleeting.

Day 71

You don’t have the power to hurt me anymore.

Day 70

Love is louder than your rage.

Day 68

I will not set that trainwreck back on the track. Simply will not.

Day 67

Loving you nearly annihilated me.

Day 65

So many months have passed since your last contact. I have long given up ringing your number, leaving you voice message or text-ing you, in hopes of a response. It’s as though you have died, though I know you have not. Hiding … you play this game of hiding. In my grief for you, I came to see you, not as that supernal creature into which I made you, not as that figure I exhalted, but as a mere human ~ a man. Flawed, wounded, and perhaps incapable of knowing truly what love is. How can this be? I have asked myself so many times. It just is.

Each time you popped back into my life, I had just begun to face life without you, just begun to cast you away from my heart. I loved you so deeply and desperately that when you tore yourself away from, you also tore up pieces of my heart. How many wounds can one person have, from the mere act of loving another? Loving someone amounts to war against oneself. Also excruciating lessons learned. I have learned more how to be me, just me ~ not defined by my relationship to you or anyone else.

I know you will re-appear in our lives. And when that happens I shall want to run away from you.

Day 64

Lately, I find myself reflecting upon the fact that you would have killed me, had I chosen to stay with you rather than leave the country. Yes, I had to leave the country to escape you. I believed, so desperately, that home existed in you. Until you frightened me, almost to death. Then, and only then, did I fling myself back into the arms of my homeland, and back into the aching embrace of your brother. Aching? Yes, aching, for me, his very own prodigal wife.
I find it so profound that you would have taken my life, and so I feel I must regurgitate this thought. I think the taste of it shall never grow stale ~ it shall ever remain bitter.

Day 61

Slowly, oh so slowly, I’ve begun shedding you, in the same way a snake sheds her skin. You rarely appear in my dreams. That’s a good thing.

Day 60

I remember the way I felt 3 years ago, virutally destoryed and wanting to die. You really had me believing that I was at fault, it was all my fault. What’s sad is the fact that you actually convinced yourself it would be my fault if you, in your rage, succeeded in killing me. WTF?