Day 65

So many months have passed since your last contact. I have long given up ringing your number, leaving you voice message or text-ing you, in hopes of a response. It’s as though you have died, though I know you have not. Hiding … you play this game of hiding. In my grief for you, I came to see you, not as that supernal creature into which I made you, not as that figure I exhalted, but as a mere human ~ a man. Flawed, wounded, and perhaps incapable of knowing truly what love is. How can this be? I have asked myself so many times. It just is.

Each time you popped back into my life, I had just begun to face life without you, just begun to cast you away from my heart. I loved you so deeply and desperately that when you tore yourself away from, you also tore up pieces of my heart. How many wounds can one person have, from the mere act of loving another? Loving someone amounts to war against oneself. Also excruciating lessons learned. I have learned more how to be me, just me ~ not defined by my relationship to you or anyone else.

I know you will re-appear in our lives. And when that happens I shall want to run away from you.