One Thousand Faces

25 January 2011

I apologize, little one. I don’t mean to hold your untimely departure  against you. Still, you have gone, while we remain in this awful and  vacuous bell jar. In so many ways, I hold it against every parent on  this planet who has never felt the pain that I feel. I have spent so  many years angry at God ~ calling him a cruel God ~ for taking you from  me, that I feel like He would banish me from His presence. My anger  leaves me to believe that I am not entitled to ask God to help me carry  this monstrous pain.

I have held onto my grief for you so tightly because I know of no  other way to keep the memory of your existence alive, alive inside of  me. If I let go, I will have to live my life in spite of your absence.  How can the world go on, how can fate continue executing itself, in the  wake of my little one’s death? It seems cruel. So very cruel.



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