Scintilla Project Day 2

18 March 2013

image credit: YamiCHi

This post is inspired by The Scintilla Project's Day Two prompt B ~ Tell the story about something interesting (anything!) that happened to you, but tell it in the form of an instruction manual (Step 1, Step 2, Step 3….)

Once upon a time I loved a psychotic narcissist. I loved him, despite his fits of rage which bordered on abusive, because I believed he filled an empty ache which plagued my spirit. He resembled a grenade with a loose pin. It took me five years to realize how he poisoned my spirit and psyche (and to realize just how abusive he really was!). In that time, I tried so hard to love him better, believing him when he told me, the fault lay within me. I came up with a list of instructions, instructions which answer the question, How do you love a man who resembles a grenade with a loose pin? 

1. Never contradict him, imply that he made a mistake, or imply his culpability in anything
2. The fault always lies with me, and I am eternally wrong and insufficient
3. When he tells me I'm free as a bird, he means a caged bird ~ I am his capture, and live only inside a bell jar of his creation
4. He feels satisfaction only when I behave myself in the bell jar ~ that means making him my world
5. Forget that, when he tells me he loves me, he means it in the same way a fashionista says she loves her shoes
6. Forget about the fact that, eventually his rage will drive him to kill me
7. Never mind that, when he does, he'll lay the blame on me
8. Leave him at my peril ~ when he feels abandoned by me, he'll unleash the full force of his unrepentant rage [see no. 6]
9. Cling to that fantasy-notion of him which I've conjured in my mind, forget about the monster, the grenade with the loose pin; make all the excuses I can for him and his monstrous behaviour
10. Believe his lies, never doubt him, even when I suspect or know of his dishonesty
11. When Police take him away because he is too drunk and belligerent, take that God-given opportunity to RUN, make a clean break from him



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